My heart cried out: "Please Lord, release me from pain and from doubt." Oh my soul hungered, the moment I knelt down to pray, and felt all my doubts wash away. Oh my soul hungered, He heard my cry...the voice of the Lord spoke peace to my mind. Oh my soul hungered, things that were old became new...when I learned to feel what I already knew. .... With all my heart, with all my soul, I wrestled before the Lord to make my life whole...He filled my hunger, he fed my soul. He fed my soul...The Truth that belonged to everyone else, is now a sacred part of myself...Oh I found out what I could not find, when I heard in my heart...what I knew in my mind. With all my heart, with all my soul, I wrestled before the Lord to make my life whole. He filled my hunger, he fed my soul. He fed my soul. Oh my soul hungered...
Have any of you ever felt this way? I have always loved this song...a simple testimony of the Savior's healing abilities. I always thought I knew exactly how this young man felt every time I heard it...but this week, I had a beautiful experience of TRULY gaining a trust within these words. Let me see, how do I really explain this??
I guess it all starts with my companion just having a smack down talk with me. Come to find out...I have trust issues. haha! I look at my future and it's always been, my whole life, "Meh...i don't know if I REALLY want to risk this...because I don't know the outcome. Howabout i just run away and pretend it (meaning anything...whether it be college, or a decision for a job, or even interacting with other people) never happened and nobody gets hurt?" Howabout I just be a weenie and take the easy way out instead of going for what i really want? Yeah...let's just be a weenie...everyone likes hotdogs right? But, my companion has taught me to step up to the plate and really TRUST in my Heavenly Father. Down right, looked me in the eyes and said "Sorella Bowman, will you trust in your Heavenly Father?" And it hit me that I really didn't...i didn't have faith...I didn't want to make certain decisions because I didn't know the reason or outcome right then. YEAH...OKAY?? A MISSION CAN BE A STRESSFUL THING!!
On the mission you get promptings that you don't know WHERE they came from because they just DO NOT make sense...to you. My companion helped me realize, they don't have to make sense because...Heavenly Father knows best and He knows MORE. If it feels okay, but you aren't sure...just remember it's from Heavenly Father...pay attention to how you feel and DON'T ask for the "why." She showed me a talk from last month's Liahona called "Looking Up" by Elder Carl B. Cook. It was an answer to prayers...again. As I was stressing about decisions to make here in the mission my companion sent me to my room...to pray. As I knelt down, just like throwing my hands in the air, and admitting, most embarrassingly, I had a hard time with faith and a hard time with trust...
I felt the Lord near me...and still love me. I apologized for not being fully in...I was scared, I don't know what the future holds and I don't know what kind of work He wants me to do. And then...I made a decision...and felt all my doubts wash away. I asked the Lord to help me find my answer to my trust issues when I opened the scriptures...I had to try like 6 times to open it because it would just fall shut...but when it finally opened...Alma 32...and I laughed...and I read just one line...and laughed again..."Faith is a hope in that which is not seen which is true." And that was my answer. It was like Heavenly Father saying: "You know...and now, you need to trust that I will work everything out. Let ME be the driver"
I have been working on really digging deep in my personal studies...really diving into the scriptures and really making my study times count. It's really a shame how everything starts making sense at the END of your mission and you find how to REALLY do things are the END of your mission...but that's all apart of the growing process, right? I have been working on seeing what a testimony truly is and just really baring testimony of things to my investigators. I cannot BELIEVE how many experiences and trials I have experienced...just to teach certain people..who NEED those things at that exact moment. Our little investigator Liz...opened up to us and come to find out, the thing that I had experienced the NIGHT BEFORE...was exactly what she needed to know and understand. Proverbs 3:5-6 also came to my mind as I was praying for some revelation... "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I know that all the Lord wants from me is to trust Him. I know that is all He wants from any of us. I would sit in frustration as my companion would just whip out personal revelation...and me always asking myself "how do I know if this is from Heavenly Father, or just my own desires?" Elder Bednar answers...Be a good girl and it will all work out. I am coming to learn that and I am finding how much happier I am...not only in my mission, but also in life! Trust in the Lord...don't worry about what the future holds, just know that the Lord has a plan for each and every one of us and if we strive to follow Him, I KNOW He will not lead me or YOU somewhere you won't desire to remain or to be in. Oh...*sigh* how grateful I am for this gospel...how grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who loves me no matter how stinkin' stubborn I am...WHICH I am working on to change :)
We had an AMAZING experience with two new investigators we have...Michele and Claudia. I don't have much time to explain, I'll have to elaborate next time..BUT from the moment we walked into their home to the moment we left, I was in awe. This 24 year old young man has a love for the Savior that was breathtaking to behold. He was actually polite to us, actually considerate, and you could see the sensitivity and love he holds for his Savior. I'd like for everyone to remember that there are still good people out there. There ARE still good people here in Italy. It was a little disheartening to have an actualy shock, in realizing that he and his girlfriend are actually, genuinely kind people. And ROMANIAN for heaven's sake! The Romanian people, mainly men, are very rude and sister missionaries have to protect themselves...but...it was a beautiful thing to see this desire to learn of their Savior instilled in their hearts. All in all, they want to be baptized (after the first lessons) and have been searching how to be married in the Salt Lake Temple. They found a picture one day and said to each other that someday they'll get married there....pretty amazing, huh? Here I am struggling to find it within myself to trust the Lord with my own life, as I am teaching people to trust in Him with theirs, He places a miracle in my lap...
A few days later from all this struggle (which is today)
I am trusting in the Lord. And I am so grateful for the journey He has taken me on to get there...and I am excited for the journey He is leading me on now...to strengthen it :)
Hakuna Matata,
sorella bowman
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